Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
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ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Social Media and Real life
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Somebody call the cops.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!