Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
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me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
seems fine
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
File under excellent bookstore names.