Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
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a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
the rocks need my help
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.