Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
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My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
spot the difference
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white