I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
#Caturday
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
become ungovernable
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s