Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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is nasa ok
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.