Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
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[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.