Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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My diet starts in January
of 2027
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.