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Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing