By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
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My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.