[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
the simulation is moving too fast
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
When ur friends with white people
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.