Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
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Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
You deplete me
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”