Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
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Growing up was a huge mistake
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I occasionally drink every single night.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.