When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
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Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
prepare for carbonated trouble
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves