If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Hank is one in a melon.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”