unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
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The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.