I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
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All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.