sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
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i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!