You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
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Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?