Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.