When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
You Might Also Like
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.