Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
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Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Put the is in disheveled
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Received some very disappointing news today
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Based Erika
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!