My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
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Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
No. YOU-buprofen.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.