Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
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VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.