My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
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How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.