“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
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1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct