All excellent questions
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The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
found my next D&D character name
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.