No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
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When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.