deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
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[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I’d hang this in my house.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes