[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
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Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb