Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Google Pay be like:
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down