[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
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When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
“our sushi is very fresh”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.