[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
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Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
LA today:
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up