90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
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Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
🚲+physics = winner
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.