Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…