7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
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[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.