why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
japanese corn
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
“We will wed,” I threatened
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.