My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
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Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered