You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
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Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.