*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
You Might Also Like
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online