Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger