You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
You Might Also Like
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Coffee for people with no kids
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.