Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
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My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.