keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
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If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
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You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.