Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
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“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I hate everything
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Discuss
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.