Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don鈥檛 make sense anymore.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january鈥ebruary鈥uesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
She鈥檚 a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn鈥檛 want to wake grandpa. I鈥檇 never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.