what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
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Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come