The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
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Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes