As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
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Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
subtitles are so good nowadays
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.