I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
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Worst perfume name ever.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.